Foodie Thoughts

These past weekends in May & June have been packed with events. Never a dull moment and oh-so-busy. Weddings, bridal showers, graduation parties, dance recitals, Mother's & Father's Day, Dad & Mom's 62nd Wedding Anniversary...I can't remember a summer this busy in recent years.

The reoccurring theme is that they all revolve around people and food. Good times.

I'm 46 pounds lighter now and I'm 30 inches smaller all around....but this is still difficult to manage. I have to make an effort to talk to people not near the food, or keep a calorie free drink in my hands. I just wish I'd be confident enough to walk into a room and not even SEE the food or think about it. It should be the last thing on my mind, but it never is....

It's been great seeing family & friends again. I keep trying to make the events more about the conversation and less about food. It's a constant battle with my food addiction.

At Medifast, I'm on week 40. Even if I was losing only 2 lbs each week, I should be down by 80 lbs now. Fact is, I'm not so strict with the program and I HATE keeping a food journal. I eat outside of the plan and then try to be better - worried I blew the week. I like flavored creamer in my coffee, I put shredded cheese on my salad that has shredded carrots, cabbage and radishes in it. These things are not on the plan. Black coffee can have milk with it, 2 cups coffee per day, recommended no carrots, no radishes...it's hard to feel normal. So here's the thing....follow it strictly and get it over with!

Why does it have to be so expensive? ...especially these days? The economy is in the tank and getting worse. Not a positive thought in my head right now. Think I'll sign off and pick up again tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow's another day and it'll be better...please God.

A January Visit to the Farm

Yesterday my sisters and I got together at Dad & Mom's farm to visit. John & I stayed home for Christmas this year and hadn't had a chance to see everyone and Colleen & Brad are planning to leave for Arizona next weekend for a month, so it was a good time to connect before they left town. I really need the family touchstone - particularly this time of year is difficult for me personally. I feel so confined and isolated because of the weather.

I was concerned about the weather, so unpredictable this time of year, but it had cooperated. We had a beautiful, crisp, clear albeit cold 9 degree winter's day. Monica had already arrived and was visiting with Mom when I got there around 12:30pm. Her rutabaga vegetable beef soup (made by Denny) was already on the stove warming for the coming luncheon. After me, Renee arrived and then Colleen. Shortly after Colleen was Calista with Madeline & Lynnea, then Therese. We all brought goodies to share: a vegetable tray with dip, cranberry nut bread, cheese and crackers, barley vegetable soup, more crackers and fresh fruit and plenty of coffee and creamer. It was a feast fit for royalty to be sure.

We enjoyed our visit. We spoke of jobs, schedules, kids, church, friends and families. Dad & Mom enjoyed the visit too, we all sat around the dining room table. The only interruption was a young man who wanted to get his trailer out of Dad's storage building. Dad was telling me about Leona Hartmann who had just died the previous week. Her funeral will be Monday in St. Michael. She is a relative of ours and my classmate, Susie Haus's mother. Dad recalled fondly of the old days when the neighbors would gather in the living rooms, clear the furniture to one end of the room and create a dance area. Alec Micheau would call the dance moves and there was Evaline Lehn on the piano, Leona on the guitar, there's a fiddler and perhaps and accordion and/or harmonica too. Those stories hold an interest for me that I don't fully understand. I have nothing in my past experiences that relate to them - except the people, but I love to hear them anyway. They create a movie in my mind of all the players in period dress, including deceased members who are present and everyone takes their place and plays their part.

At about 4 or 4:30 we decided to head back home. We started putting the extra folding chairs back downstairs, closing up the dining room table, shaking and folding the table cloth. Mom was in the kitchen sending home soup with those interested and bagging up leftovers - there weren't many - the fruit, veggies and crackers were gone but I wasn't taking any of the cranberry nut bread back home with me. While all this hustle and bustle was going on, Dad was reminiscing about the old days. "There used to be so much of this noise going on in the house years ago with you 6 girls here.....now it's so quiet!" I am always surprised that he finds comfort in all the noise. He's told me that the little shouts, screams, shrieks and laughter of family get together's was the best part of the day. Especially the little kids and that he misses that. I guess it helps to explain how they survived raising a large family all these years!

We hope to be visiting with Colleen on March 19th, when Therese will be advising her on decorating a few rooms in their home. Colleen & Brad are refinishing some rooms and there's always a concern for balance and color. That will be a fun get-together too.

Weighty Issues

So here it is...I was at the YMCA working out for an HOUR today. Shocked me too! It just felt so good and I'm down by 31.1 lbs now. Fantastic!

I was able to watch Oprah too. Portia de Rossi (Ellen DeGeneres's wife) was on, talking about her book, "Unbearable Lightness". This is about her eating disorder, purging, hating herself, feeling like she was fat as a 5'6" size 8 - beautiful woman. As Oprah said, most women feel that a size 8 is a GOAL weight. At times she lived on 150 calories A DAY!! Portia weighed as little as 82 lbs. The loss of control was what she feared the most. Starting to eat a favorite food and eating too much of it. She she avoided the food and the feeling. She has pictures of herself looking like a walking skeleton and all she noticed (back then) was a teeniest bit of tummy fat on her in the picture. Amazing - boy we can do a number on ourselves. It was a good show and very interesting.

Weight issues, food issues, addictions can be so hard to face and deal with - but so rewarding when we get to the other side. So I gotta keep going.

Food as reward-background for understanding

According to information gleaned from my Medifast manual, I'm learning a lot about the brain and the role it plays in obesity:

Have you ever felt "driven to eat" or "not satisfied"? Reward deficiency syndrome is a problem with the brain's pleasure mechanisms, essential to feeling like we've had enough to eat. Some people are born with fewer "pleasure receptors" in the brains. These receptors are signaled by "pleasure molecules" to let our brains know when we're content and satisfied. So for those of us born with a shortage of them, eating an ice cream cone might not be as pleasurable as it would be for someone without a reward deficit. We feel the need for a bowl of ice cream.

A muted pleasure response to ice cream and other yummy, rich roods does not make us want them less. Rather than saying no to the ice cream, we eat more of it in an attempt to get the pleasurable feeling of eating something that tastes good.

Dopamine is an example of a"feel good" pleasure molecule neurotransmitter that gets released in response to rewarding activities, including "natural" rewards (e.. love, reproduction, eating) and "unnatural" rewards (e.g. compulsive overeating, drug & alcohol abuse, gambling).

Dopamine molecules have to attach themselves to the pleasure receptors located in various places around the brain. If the pleasure receptors don't work like they should, the reward signal is diminished, driving people to get a "fix" of something in order to feel good. For the obese the fix may come in the form of overeating. Dopamine has been shown to be the primary controller of hunger and the motivation to eat and is also involved in the "rush" of food, drink, sex, and drugs of abuse.

People prone to obesity may have a tendency to overeat, especially sweetened, high-fat foods, in an attempt to stimulate our short supply of pleasure receptors. However, when we attempt to stimulate these blunted dopamine receptors by overeating to compensate for the reward deficit, we desensitize the few receptors we have, and make bad eating behaviors even worse...a vicious cycle.

There's also genetic evidence of this in the "Taq 1 A1 allele" genetic code. With this code, we are more likely to be obese or to have substance abuse disorders like cocaine, alcohol, or opioid abuse. Obese individuals with this genetic code may be prone to abusing food in a way similar to how an addict or alcoholic abuses drugs and/or alcohol.

Finally, I understand these cravings and not feeling full or rewarded. I understand how and why I need to work with this issue. The type of weight I carry causes inflammation and swelling in the joints, leading to arthritis, coronary problems and cancers. I never understood this before. I hope it not too late to reverse some of the damage done over the past 30+ years.

New Year's Day 2011

Wonderful day - had 8 for breakfast this morning: hash browns, sausage, ham, french toast, fresh grapefruit and cranberry nut bread with coffee. I had my Medifast eggs and coffee.

Gracie & Zach played downstairs afterword, John & I cleaned up the kitchen and JJ, Jenn & Sarah headed home to clean up the house from Christmas and get ready for the week. The grand kids came upstairs and we had a tea party together. Gracie & I played UNO Attack and Zach was playing with the DVDs and the TV looking for a cartoon. Then I pulled out the Moon Sand for both of them and the ice cream scoops and trays. They had fun with that too. They asked if they could watch The Incredibles and we did. Gracie & I did her nails in a pretty pink color, although she thought the color should be a little darker, she liked it. We had a good time and they helped me clean up before they left when dad came back to get them.

Gracie couldn't help herself, she asked if they could have a sleepover. Zach said he wasn't ready for that and he and his dad had to start building his car for the Cub Scout toy car race. He was really excited about the race next weekend. Gracie was disappointed but I told her that we could plan a sleepover and set it up and have a great time on another weekend.

I realize that my time with the kids and sleepovers is limited and that made the decision more difficult. I love spending time with them, but try to balance that with what their parents want and need. I hope the grand kids remember the good times we had together and things that we've shared.

Lunch from Jimmy John's

OK - so today was a little better. The boss only bought lunch for us from Jimmy Johns: sandwiches and chips. The sandwiches were small - I only had one - with my own drink and only tried one (1) single chip, a Vinegar & Sea Salt chip...yum! It was hard but staying involved in conversation helped....can't eat and talk at the same time. Our group was in a festive mood and we all seemed to enjoy ourselves telling stories about each other and our groups beginning and the company's move from Princeton. We were able to get back to work and finish up a few things before the boss sent us home early for the holiday weekend. Three of us went out afterward for drinks before heading home. I stuck with diet Coke. The fog and cold weather should start to worsen - we just didn't know when.

Speaking of which it was raining all day today with temps up to 42 degrees and it's predicted to drop down to -30 degrees by tomorrow night, quite a drop. So much rain on top of so much snow and refreezing spells disaster on the streets. It'll be a weekend at home. I'll have to get busy with projects and stay out of the kitchen. Wish me luck - Tuesday's weigh-in time!

Snacks-goodies and other landmines

The boss brought in homemade goodies for the second day this week: sweet dough holiday bread (with nuts), mini-muffin pecan pies and many more assorted cookies. All were arranged on a this beautiful huge cut-glass 16" round platter and located next to the licorice which is also between the fax and the closest printer, in the center of the office.

What??!!??

It was so hard today, I had a couple of licorice, then one small cookie, later a 1/2 slice of bread - finally I had to stop myself - ENOUGH ALREADY.

I had hit the gym early this morning before work, so I know that helps, but I literally RAN back to my desk and drank 16 oz of water...more like guzzled it - that felt better. I've really got to get a grip on this. She won't change and I had better get use to passing up the goodies. But for some reason last week was easier this this week. Maybe I'm getting wore down with all the holiday parties and treats.

Anyway, tomorrow's another day, it'll be better!

Hope the weather cooperates, they're predicting rain and icy roads starting just in time for the morning rush hour - YIKES.

All of me...

In mid-September 2010, I felt I had to start spending time on me. My weight was out of hand and I was beginning to really believe and accept that I had food addictions. My body was sending out messages that I couldn't ignore. So, I researched weight loss centers and visited even more websites. I needed one that would be healthy, but could also produce immediate results - I needed to be held accountable - but needed counseling with the program and I wanted it one-on-one - not in a group. If I was going to stay with it, it had to be quick and easy and it had to have a maintenance program that would help me adjust during and after the weight loss too. Memberships were expensive but so are medications and threats to my well-being and health. God help me, I was overwhelmed with information! I had been down this road SO many times in my life that my mantra is from a Japanese proverb that says something like "fall down seven times, get up eight". That's how it all started.

Today, I weighed in 30 pounds lighter than I did in mid-Sept. It's hard, it's gratifying, it's exciting, it's tiring, frustrating, scary - at times even depressing. I need to make a conscious effort to look only at today, this hour. If I don't, I am easily overwhelmed at the thought of losing 100 pounds.

I rewarded myself for my first 25 lb loss with a set of artificial nails. They are beautiful and very practical this time of year - they protect my finger tips and keep my skin softer, and my thumbs don't crack and bleed. I am enjoying them and they constantly remind me that I can do this.

I have very supportive family too. Two sons, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, five sisters, parents, sister-in-laws, co-workers and my Medifast counselors - but most of all - my beloved husband. He puts up with so much, gives so much and asks so little. I am truly blessed. Thank you God for my blessings.

Today was a little tough, red licorice sitting out at work, next to chocolate and cookies. Free for the picking up and our enjoyment. Well, I gave in to a couple of the licorice pieces. Finally I had to ask myself, what am I getting out of this? Picture this plastered to my backside...I'm getting a chance of gaining more weight and it's so hard to take off. I'm backsliding. I quit the snacking. Wrong snack, so I grabbed a glass of water instead and went for a walk.

And so it goes...one day at a time, one hour at a time...slip slide and get back up.

Eat, Pray, Love

Jenn & I saw the movie today and enjoyed it. A few Hollywood variations, deviations from the book that we'd both read, but enjoyable just the same. We kept questioning Liz Gilbert's motives; were they self-serving or self-seeking? Are they mutually exclusive? This movie really leads to discussions and questions. The scenery was wonderful - especially Italy - sure wish I could go back for a visit. Of course I appreciated her food scenes.

We enjoyed our time together - hope we do it again soon!

Changes, always changes

I had finally reached an impasse at work. I couldn't go on doing my job without some organization of my cube. It's time to prepare for my third annual audit and I couldn't find certain notes since I had two years worth of paperwork stacked in shelves and drawers and I simply couldn't find things any longer. It is Labor Day weekend so I'll have that extra day to do this just for me. So I packed up a full file box of loose papers, notes and file folders and carted it all home....pretty heavy box I admit.

When I got home, John carried it in for me and put it in the kitchen on Zach's chair. I knew I'd be able to get it done in just half a day, since I'm undisturbed at home. We had movie night that Friday and watched Cop Out with Bruce Willis and Clash of the Titans with Liam Neeson. I picked Titans because I enjoy mythology Greek and Roman and John really didn't have a preference. Mike joined us for Cop Out - it was a little crass but very funny. We all enjoy Bruce's movies.

Saturday morning and naturally I'm awake at 4am, but refuse to get up. That's weekday rise and shine time, not to be pursued on the weekends. By 6am I've dosed a few times and now I'm really awake. I got up and quietly left our bedroom closing the irritating squeaky door as quickly and quietly as possible. I read for a little bit in the living room, enjoying the quiet of the still early morning. There was quite a chill in the early morning air, fall isn't too far off. I got washed and dressed and headed to the Red Box at the Holiday Station to return the movies and get a hot, fresh coffee. When I'd gotten home, John was awake sitting in the kitchen and staring at the wall. I re-woke him with a kiss and a blueberry old fashioned donut from my trip up town. I'd eaten mine on the way home, and the first coffee of the morning was aromatic, tasty and hot.

We talked about the plans we didn't have for the weekend and what the heck we were going to do with these three days. It's not like it's a surprise, but the holidays always seem to sneak up on us and we haven't made any plans. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes, that we don't take the time we should to look ahead and plan it! Anyway, it was near 8am now and Mike wasn't up yet, but I'd promised him pancakes this morning for breakfast, so I got those started. This morning I felt like making smaller pancakes - about 3 inches in diameter. They were so cute! Anyway I made a batch and a few eggs with ham for John while he got the toast made. Lovely quiet breakfast.

Around 9am, we called Zach and Grace to find out what they were up to. Zach was so excited he had to tell us that Gracie had found her long lost video game player. Last time she had it was at Easter dinner at Calista and Al's in North Branch. No loose teeth to report, but he did ask why we called. He is so cute. Then Grace wanted to talk, and told us that she was making soup all by herself. No one was helping and the ingredients included green beans, water and corn. I told her it sounded like very good vegetable soup. She said yes, but she was to young to put in the salt and pepper herself so it might taste a little different. I told her that we can't have much salt anyway and we could bring our own pepper and she just laughed. I asked her where her daddy was and she said she'd go find him in the garage. I asked her to have him call his mommy when she found him, she giggled and said she would, bye she said and disconnected.

Mike was up now, coughing and clearing his throat. He sauntered across the kitchen floor and asked why I made the pancakes so small. I think they're cute I told him, don't worry they still taste the same! He made a pot of fresh coffee and shared with me. Then he finished the pancakes and headed out to work on his truck in Rogers for the day.

John went to the back garage to work on the lawn mower and I started organizing my paperwork. By 1:30pm, I was almost done but noticed that I was feeling a little queasy, something wasn't quite right. I got up and went to stretch out on the couch, I was listening to my talk radio station 107.1 and felt like I should get up and eat something. I felt nauseous and light headed and my stomach felt like it was floating. It was the oddest feeling. I thought I'd better take my blood sugars quick - I did and it read 78! I was shocked - I'd never tested that low before! Good grief it's not like I was busy working out or something!!

I went back to the kitchen and quickly ate an orange, but when I retested it read 77. Worried about passing out, I remembered John's candy drawer in his dresser. I headed down the hall to our bedroom and checked the drawer, but it was empty! Back down the hall to the kitchen, grabbed his wallet off the island and headed to the back garage. (I knew I shouldn't drive.) I handed him his wallet and said, "will you take me up town for a candy bar?" The poor man looked at me like I'd lost my marbles...."what??" he asked. I explained and he jumped up and we headed for the car. Once up town, we hit every red light and traffic jam imaginable but finally made it to the Holiday Station. There was literally no where to park, so he parked in the yellow zone and ran in. Shortly he appeared with a couple of Snickers bars. Half a bar was enough and I was feeling better as we made our way home. When I checked my readings again, I was at 140 now, but I felt sure it would be back down to 100 0r 110 again. Life, you just never know what to expect!

Hi God...

Early last month, grandson Zach broke his arm. At first it seemed he was on to a quick recovery there were a few set backs, a couple of surgeries, but now he's well on his way to mending.

His parents, John & Jenn, have chosen to raise their son and daughter without all the trappings of organized religion. Which in their minds borders on superstition and serves to get in the way of a direct one on one relationship with the creator. Jenn believes in dreams, karma and other beliefs sometimes called New Age. As grandparents, we have mixed feelings about this choice, but this is their family, their time and their decision. We have always honored that choice.

About two weeks after the arm break, I had the grand kids over for a visit. Zach and Gracie played with the usual toys: Barbie and Bob dolls, watched a couple cartoons, and we played beauty parlor too. This is where Gracie sprays down my hair with water, drys it, combs it, brushes it, says it's suddenly too dry to style and starts over again. I just sit patiently and wrap up in a towel until she takes pity on me and it's safe to come out again. I just know she loves this routine and understand that it won't last long-they grow up so fast and she is SO into the play acting. I'll gladly make this little sacrifice for our relationship.

As we were towel drying my hair, Zach picked up his Lego blocks. This is an older set, where the blocks are a little larger for first time builders so it was an easy build for him just now. He started laying out the blocks and setting the foundation for a building. He loves designing buildings. As he got closer to the roof line, he said, "I'm going to build a church." "OK", I said, this is a new approach coming from him and I quietly wondered where he got that idea. As he fashioned a Cross from the remaining blocks on top of the building, he asked for the box of peel & stick foam letters to finish his church. He selected the letters - PFY - and put them just above the main entry door to his church. I asked what that meant and he said, "Pray For You".

Later, when his folks came to pick him up, Gracie and Zach told them (as they always do), what they'd been up to and how their time was spent. When Zach showed mom his church building and his explanation for it, she was not impressed. She shot a look at me,"Where did he get that idea from?" she demanded to know. "Beats me, I'm as surprised as you," I replied. We have no religious figures in the common rooms of our home, and even though we have a statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Heart of Mary, they are in our den and the grand kids are never in that room. I suggested maybe from the sitter's home? No they hadn't noticed any religious indicators there either. And Jenn didn't think their sitter would jeopardize her home business by teaching religious doctrine either. Zach offered no explanation as to where he had gotten the idea from, but Gracie smartly replied, "Well, you know I go to a church - my Montessori school is IN a church." Indeed it is. The My Own Montessori School that Gracie now attends and Zach graduated from is housed in the Union Church United Church of Christ in Elk River.

I understood Jen's question though, tensions were running a little high. We were all worried about Zach and how this break would eventually heal for him and if, after physical therapy would he regain full use of his left arm. She'd recently dreamt about her grandfather, Louis (Zach's middle name, after him). She was very close to her grandpa Louis, but hadn't seen him in her dreams for years. He had died from cancer soon after she graduated from high school. Now he was back and she wasn't sure if it was to comfort her or to prepare her for difficulties ahead. I told her I hoped that he was back to comfort since she was probably reaching out seeking comfort during this difficult time in her life. She thought about that and that was my only intention. To help put a positive spin on this trying time.

A week after that, I stopped by their home, Zach had just returned home from the hospital after his second surgery and was still a little nervous and quiet about the whole day. I really needed to see him to feel better about what he had just been through. Along with me, I brought a floating Mylar balloon that said "Thinking of You" on it and the words were surrounded with a solid blue background and multi-colored butterflies-a personal favorite of mine. Then I attached a softly stuffed Sponge Bob Square Pants (Zach's favorite cartoon character at the moment) to the other end of the string to weigh it down along and also brought a chocolate or strawberry milk for Grace & Zach. They really liked the gifts and told me only the littlest bit of his scary experience that day. At least it was over and we had him back home. He wasn't his usual talkative self, so I kissed his tousled head and went home.

Yesterday, they requested a sleep-over "slumber party" at our house. So they came over at about 7pm with their overnight bags, stuffed animals, PJ's, swimsuits and a change of clothes. Zach also brought, attached to his overnight bag, the "Thinking of You" butterfly balloon. He was SO excited, it was as full and floaty as the day I had bought it for him and he wanted to show me to prove it. John & I were really surprised. Then we were all talking at the same time about the past week and things we'd done when Zach suddenly said, "Meena, I need a permanent marker." "They're in the drawer behind you to your left", I reminded him. Gracie was telling us about her Barbie doll's dress and what she'd packed to bring with her, when Jenn stopped and asked Zach why he needed the marker. We all stopped and turned to Zach and he said, "I'm going to send this balloon to God. I'm taking it outside and letting it go - He lives way up there doesn't He? But first I need to write a message on it. I'm writing on it - Hi God! And maybe he'll send it back with a message. Do you think he'll send it back? Do you think He'll answer me?" Jenn shot me another look and said, "It's got to be something in this house!"

He wrote his message on the balloon and we all went outside for its release. We stood there outside on a perfectly still quiet evening, watching the sky draw his message balloon further and further up until it was just a speck and then - gone.

I don't think you can keep spirituality from children. I believe the need to explore their relationship with their creator is innate. John & Jenn have always answered their questions when asked and taught them the Our Father and other prayers. They pray nightly before sleep, but weekly visits to a place of worship will not be part of their family experience.

Summer's HERE!

So it's 87 degrees out, with 70% humidity and 56 dewpoint. Storms are forecasted for this evening...yep it's summer!

The other event that arrives with summer and humidity is the loss of my ankles...I have cankels this time of the year and I hate it. My ankle skin feels tight and I need to wear UGLY support hose. Sometimes I feel that I'll explode.

Zach & Gracie

Zach is our grandson, he's seven years old. He's delightful, informative and busy. This past month he broke his forearm - both bones and is now sporting a cast and a rod in his arm for support. It's a waterproof cast and so now he can go swimming too and not miss out on the summer activities. Mom & Dad recently bought a pool for the backyard and they're anxious for the weather for brighten up so the kids can go in.

Zach is a Cub Scout and hopes to camp out one weekend soon with his Dad. He loves legos and is always working on a project. He's good a card and magic tricks and loves to show his latest to anyone who will watch.

Gracie is our granddaughter, she's five years old. She's motivated, helpful and inquisitive. She wants to be just like Mommy. She loves to cook, she's great at helping clean up in the kitchen (when it's her idea) and she loves us to pieces. She likes to play beauty parlor, likes to wear make-up and paint her nails. She can be quite the charmer and usually gets what she wants, as long as she promises to clean up. Her grandpa even lets her "wash and style" his hair!

They are delightful. Last weekend we went to Big Eagle Lake and they fished from their boat and we fished from ours. When they were frustrated that the fish weren't biting, they'd play with toys they brought along. Zach brought his motorized speed boat and Gracie brought her Jasmine doll. So when Zach launched his boat, he discovered the batteries were dead...and Gracie decided that Jasmine was probably not her favorite, maybe it was Barbie.

But when I caught the 22 inch Northern, they got their poles in the water and were fishing once again and hoping for a bite! So sweet, wish the age could last longer. There were no more bites on the lines so we started back to shore and home. We'd gotten some good pictures lots of nature shots out there....Canadian Geese families and fish jumping. There were low fluffy clouds and sprinkles of rain here and here, but mostly overcast.

Tie a Knot & Hangin' on

We have just one thing that makes each of us real. Our thoughts. Some of us choose to write them down, others don't...but everyone's got 'em and they all have value.

Think, thank, thunk....value added = 100%.

Reaching the End of My Rope

So here it is: I'm not worried about dying, I'm worried about dying before I complete my purpose in life. How do I know I have a purpose? I have an overwhelming urge to write and keep writing -the subject doesn't really matter, I would write about anything I just have an obsession about writing. I hear dialog in my head all day long, stories, discussions - it's all internal.

My high school and college teachers pushed me to pursue writing as a career. But back then it felt like it would take too long to make real money and I wanted to earn a living NOW. All these years I've managed to turn a deaf ear to the voice in my head telling me to pick it up, get going and make it happen.

This writer's block that I have is stopping me from breaking through. I can feel it and I can't get around it, under it, over it or through it. It's killing me, making me physically ill - slowly, painfully, needlessly.

So, after much thought and more pushing from family, I thought I'd take baby steps and just put one foot in front of the other - slowly and start here. Here I will just let it flow.

Why didn't I journal, you ask? Like most young girls, I did journal at first, but no privacy and 8 siblings well, let's just say that I had a bad experience with others reading it and swore I wouldn't go there again. I prefer typing to handwriting and some people have issues with that too. Hey, baby steps right?

I thought I'd be retired by now, maybe working very part-time and spending more time with my grandchildren. But the economy went south, John lost his job and I really need to stay at work - how do I throw that out the window? I best be hanging on with both hands. So I'm angry. I did my part, played by the rules, worked my adult life outside the home, saved what we could while raising two sons and just kept going. Now I want to take the time to develop my talents - it's my time, it's my turn. I'm tired of the internal struggle to rise above this feeling of being cheated, robbed of my dreams to be free of the work-a-day struggle. It helps to know there are a few million people in the same situation as I am, maybe some day we'll get to retire - together!

Writing will be theraputic for me and I need to keep at it. I need to look outside of myself and get involved in an outlet for my issues - I just gotta keep moving.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday, he'll be 59. We've been married 37 years and I'm still learning more about him every day. He is the love of my life.

We live in Minnesota. We are average and typical in every way imaginable. And that's fine, we like it that way.

We have 2 sons, 1 daughter-in-law and 2 beautiful grandchildren. We are surrounded by large extended families-both his and mine. My parents are living and still able to care for each other. We are blessed in many ways.

My husband John, has been unemployed since February 2009. He worked for 18+ years for a steel tubing machine shop. There was no severance package, just a "sorry-you're outta here" on a cold February Monday morning. He looks for employment every day and applies for jobs 2-3 times a week. But it's difficult being over 50 and looking for work in this economy. A local school district has given him on-call janitorial work since then, but nothing with benefits and no promises. This is the first time in his life in this situation. We are grateful that we aren't raising young children right now.

I was lucky enough in January 2009 to get a promotion with a raise at my employment. But that's meant longer hours and learning new concepts and applications. At age 57, it's been a struggle but I do enjoy the challenge and I like pushing myself and finding my limits as well as my talents. The difficulty is in finding the balance in my life. I thought that would be easier once our sons were on their own. But no. It's not.

Grateful as I am for my opportunities I wish our positions were reversed! I long to spend more time with our grandchildren. They grow and change so fast. Like our children before them, we can't recapture these moments either. I always thought that by age 55, I'd be semi-retired and taking care of grandchildren and puttering around the yard. Working full-time and overtime means I'm rushing now to their dance recitals, soccer games, T-Ball practice and cramming in what time I can with them on the weekends. Don't even ask about workouts, exercise or time for "us".

And my heart goes out to John as I watch him pouring over Help Wanted Ads online and in the local papers. I want to reassure him that the economy will get better, he'll find a job and life will get back to "normal". But I'm beginning to think we'll be seeing a "new normal".

Whenever I tune into my favorite radio stations, I hear other people voicing my same concerns. I hear that more women are working and more men are unemployed. I don't understand why that is. Our fight now is to keep a positive outlook and count the blessings we do have, our friends, our family and our love.

We are "typically average" so I KNOW there are other people out there experiencing the same issues we are and still continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I'd love to hear from you. How's it going for you? What are you doing to help you and yours get through this economy? What are some of the issues you're facing? How has your lives changed? What are your comforts now? Let's share!

Later!